


schrödinger’s cat

by 100demons



Category: Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Pairing, F/M, SHIP DARCY WITH ALL THE THINGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-23
Updated: 2012-05-23
Packaged: 2017-11-05 21:36:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/411256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100demons/pseuds/100demons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy gets Bruce a birthday present.</p>
            </blockquote>





	schrödinger’s cat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arosynose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arosynose/gifts).



> (Now has podfic [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1364899)!)

“So it’s a dead cat. In a box.”

“Not _just_ a cat in a box,” Bruce said enthusiastically, waving his hand expansively. “The whole point is that you don’t know whether it’s alive or dead until you open it.”

Darcy wrinkled her nose and absently played with the loose thread hanging from Bruce’s ragged sleeve. “Okay, before I _thought_ that all you physicists were crazy. Now, I _know_ that you guys are. Is this some kind of pick-up line you guys use at your physics parties or whatever? ‘Hey, you wanna go check if my cat’s still dead or alive?’ I bet you guys recite equations when you’re in bed.”

“Coefficients of friction, not equations,” Bruce said solemnly.

Darcy flapped a hand. “Same thing, honestly.” Bruce gave her a crooked smile before burying his nose in her hair, his breath tickling the pink shell of her ear. “Do you want to go upstairs and see if Schrödinger’s cat is still dead or alive?”

“Oh,” she breathed, fingers already working on the buttons of his shirt. “Now when you say it like that—“

Bruce laughed and pressed his smiling lips on her skin.

 ---

“What do you get a physicist who works part-time as a superhero for his birthday?” Darcy asked, trying not to slam her forehead on the table.

“Just throw money at him,” Tony suggested, absently doodling something on his tablet. “Always works for me.”

“Yeah, but you’re _rich_ ,” Darcy informed him. “We’re working on a grad student budget here.”

“Sex?” Tony offered. “That’s free, right? Unless, you know, you’re being paid—“ He dodged a flying mug of coffee, which hit the wall right behind him with a crash.

“You could have killed me!” Tony said indignantly, holding his tablet in front of him like a shield.

“I can aim lower next time,” Darcy said sweetly. “If you don’t _help_ me figure out what to get him!”

“I don’t know! Ask JARVIS or Steve—yeah, Steve! He’s good at being all nice and good and America-y.”

“Yeah, but.” Darcy squirmed in her seat. “He’s like my _Dad._ You know, except with a lot more hair and muscles. It’d be too weird to ask him if I should wear a bunny outfit for Bruce’s birthday.”

Tony looked at her speculatively, chewing on the tip of his tablet pen. “You know,” he said slowly, eyes gleaming dangerously. “That’s not a bad idea at all.”

“See! That’s why I go to you, Mom.”

“…I’m sorry, what did you just call me?”

“See, if Steve is like the Dad, then you’re the Mom! You keep the house in order and you buy us stuff and you’re always fussing about your clothes and how you look,” Darcy explained. “And you’re also like totally married to Steve.”

“I am not!” Tony protested. “Just because we’re in a committed monogamous…relationship…” Horror dawned on his face. “Oh my god, we _are_ married to each other.”

“Yes, yes, now that we’ve gotten over that issue,” Darcy said impatiently. “What about my problem?”

Tony shrugged. “You could always just get him a pet or something.”

“A pet—a _pet_!” Darcy said, eyes lighting up. She jumped out her chair and gave Tony’s head a hug. “Thanks Mom, you’re the best!”

“Jesus,” Tony groaned into his hands. “Does this mean I have to wear an apron and hair curlers and complain about how my husband is never home?”

“Sir,” JARVIS interjected delicately. “You already do.”

\---

“Hey JARVIS, can you open the door for me? My hands are kind of full right now—goddamit, I dropped the keys again.”

“It would be my pleasure, ma’am. But I must warn you that—“

Darcy scooped her keys up with her hand and adjusted the grip she had on the cardboard box she was carrying. “Is Bruce in right now? Oh and by the way, did you call the caterers about the food for the party tonight? I left a message about the shellfish they wanted to try, since Bruce’s allergic, but the dicks didn’t respond, so I think if _you_ called—“

“Ah, well, he is inside the mansion, in a matter of speaking, but, Miss Lewis—“

“Great!” Darcy said, sidling through the door and kicking off her heels. “Oh god, that feels much better. You can’t _believe_ how many full cabs there were today. I had to take the train _and_ lug Bruce’s stupid gift home today while wearing my fancy shoes and I think my blisters have blisters—“

“Miss Lewis, I must insist that you—“

“What is it, JARVIS?” Darcy asked irritably. “I have a party to plan and skimpy clothes to put on and—“

“HULK SMASH TALKING VOICE.” Hulk hurtled through the front hallway, swinging on the chandelier and bellowing.

“Oh,” Darcy said. “That.”

“Quite, Miss Lewis.”

Hulk dropped from the chandelier with a large _crash!_ , priceless diamonds and rubies raining around him and onto the wooden floor. “PRETTY HAIR!” he said in his outdoor voice.

“Hey, big guy!” Darcy responded, carefully putting the cardboard box down and sliding it behind her. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“HULK WANT TO SMASH LITTLE ROBOT MAN,” Hulk informed her, beating his fists on his chest. “LITTLE ROBOT MAN TALK TOO MUCH.”

“Yeah, Tony’s a total motor mouth isn’t he?” Darcy agreed. “But it’s your birthday today, big guy! Maybe you can forgive him for a little bit? You know? Out of the goodness of your big, green heart?”

“HMPH.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll sic Steve on him. Does that sound better?”

“HULK THINK SO.” He shuffled forward, crushing the precious gems underneath his feet into dust. “PRETTY HAIR HAVE BOX FOR HULK?”

Darcy started and almost tripped on the box she stashed behind her. “Oh, this little thing? It’s a gift for you and Bruce. Maybe you can open it later—“

“HULK WANT BOX NOW,” he demanded, crossing his arms over his very big and very green chest.

“Okay, okay!” Darcy said, holding her hands up. “I’ll give it to you right now. But you can’t open it, okay? Because it’s a Schrödinger’s cat!”

“HULK HAVE KITTY?” he asked her, eyes widening hopefully.

“Well, yes, but no! Because—because—“ Darcy wracked her brain for the explanation. “What did Bruce say? Something about it being dead and alive at the same time?”

“KITTY DEAD?” Hulk gasped.

“No, no, no! It’s dead and alive. I mean—parallel kitties? Well anyway, you don’t know until you open it and you can’t because there’s radiated stuff in there trying to kill the cat. I think. Oh my head,” Darcy groaned. “How does Bruce even deal with this kind of crap?”

“HULK WANT KITTY.”

“But quantum physics! You can’t because of quantum physics!”

“HULK SMASH QUANTUM PHYSICS.”

The box meowed plaintively.

**Author's Note:**

> This all started when I emailed ashcheche, "HULK SMASH LAWS OF PHYSICS." Then I promised arosynose a Hulk/Darcy fic. It kind of snowballed from there.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] schrödinger’s cat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1364899) by [100demons](https://archiveofourown.org/users/100demons/pseuds/100demons), [reena_jenkins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reena_jenkins/pseuds/reena_jenkins)




End file.
